TMC: Thirty Miles of Corruption

The City of Riverside is holding a special election (voting ends Nov. 2) and is counting on YOU to approve MEASURE C, the “City of Riverside City Services Protection Measure.”

When I read this terribly clunky title, I decided to tweak the entire ballot description to make Measure C more understandable.

Riversider’s own their own utility and it is our job to provide you with reliable, low-cost water and electricity. Unlike the private greedy gougers, OUR PUBLIC UTILITY is not in business to make a profit. But year after year, we haul in tens of millions more “electricity” dollars than we actually need. We have no idea how this happens and we honestly don’t know what to do with all the extra cash.

So we just donate the excess “electricity money” to the “General Fund,” which is run by highly decorated generals who are also members of the City Council. These generals then decide how to spend YOUR “electricity” money even though it has nothing to do with electricity! This practice is commonly known as “re-volting.”

Now, to be honest, which, we admit is not our long suit, we got into a bit of hot water nine years ago when some of our valued water customers who had nothing better to do complained that we were dumping tens of millions of “water” dollars into this very same “General Fund.”

We had no idea where that money came from, either, but our position here at City Hall is that it is always better to have too much of YOUR money than not enough. Even so, YOUR PUBLIC UTILITY had to stop pouring that gusher of “water” money into the “General Fund” unless voters said we could start doing it again.

Did Riverside voters say we could start doing it again? You bet! They approved a ballot measure called something like “City of Riverside City Services Protection Measure” after we threatened to take away all their services instead of admitting we got caught doing something with their money without their permission or knowledge. This practice is commonly known as “changing the subject.”

So here we are, November 2021, and it’s Deja Groundhog Vu all over again. This time some of our valued electricity customers with nothing better to do convinced a judge (by needlessly clogging up the courts) that the “General Fund” should not receive the tens of millions of “electricity” dollars that your public utility has ABSOLUTELY NO USE FOR unless you, the voter, say it’s ok. As if you even care about stuff like this!

Which brings us to Measure C. We sincerely hope that as you consider this measure, you will fail to notice that it does not have an expiration date, even though this is the second time we’ve gotten caught, which may have led some of you to believe (unfairly) that we cannot be trusted with your money.

Be assured that the City welcomes tough, skeptical questions from our valued citizens and frequently rewards them with the city’s official candy bar, Snickers. But passage of Measure C is so vital to City Hall Sustainability that we have decided to change the subject once again and divert your attention to the “City of Riverside City Services Protection Measure.”

We invite you, valued voter, to envision a city without 911 response, firefighters, police, street repairs and more! We will see to it that these services are cut first and we are not kidding. Plus, you will have to clean city pools by yourselves and haul your own trash. Building permits will only be issued to next of kin on alternating Saturdays.

But if you vote FOR the “City of Riverside City Services Protection Measure,” we guarantee that these precious former “electricity” dollars will be carefully traced and audited to the very best of our professional ability even though once they are dumped into the “General Fund” nobody has any idea where they go. Still, we promise to use these funds to maintain ALL of the services mentioned above as well as “other general services,” which is a term that commonly means “that’s for us to know and for you to find out.”